Another decade has passed which means another jubilee! Yes, unless you’ve been hiding away at a Pizza Express, you’ll be aware that the Queen is now in her 70th year as the head of state. Quite a remarkable feat. But you now, it’s not all been easy. Indeed, she’s had to witness the general decline of the British Empire in the latter half of the 20th century and put up with a bunch of dodgy characters, both inside and outside the palace walls.
For this occasion, we thought it would be quite fetching to take a look at some of those characters within. And here to help us, is our Belfast correspondent and conspiracy enthusiast, Belle. Together, we’ll run through the main players of the monarchy’s stage and rate them on four important factors:
1. Their Suitability To Their Role
2. Their Associations
3. Their Entertainment Value
4. And… The Rogue Factor
So, without further ado, let’s get to it:
Queen Elizabeth II, 96, Single
Suitability (8.5/10)
Belle: “Begrudgingly impressed she has held on for so long. All hail the lizard queen (shoot me)” 8/10
Andy (Washington Walrus): “Quite dignified in comparison to others. Generally apolitical.” 9/10
Associations (8/10)
Belle: “Who knows? Mystery. Lizard people. Freemasons.” 8/10
Andy: “She doesn’t seem to care for many besides her dogs. Also, Prince Andrew is her fave. But when you have that sh#*^ show to contend with…” 8/10
Entertainment (3/10)
Belle: “Yawn, she could take tips from her (alleged) autistic paedophile son”. 1/10
Andy: “I do enjoy how unimpressed she seems by everything.” 5/10
Rogue Element (5/10)
Belle: “Lobbied so that she wouldn’t have to hire immigrants, married a man who was not only her 3rd cousin but her 4th from the other side of the family. No wonder her children turned out the way they did! I hold this woman in the utmost contempt.” 6/10
Andy: “Very stoic but maybe she has a wicked sense of humour? Who knows? I’ll go by the points above, though compared to the rest of the family, I hold her in higher regard.” 4/10
TOTAL: 24.5 / 40
Prince Charles, picky eater
Belle: The poster boy for why you must never sleep with your cousin.
Suitability (6/10)
Belle: “Appropriately inbred but he just seems kind of weak, like he’d blow away in strong winds.” 6/10
Andy: “He brought Diana into a loveless marriage whilst pining after another woman. That took guts. England needs guts.” 6/10
Associations (3.5/10)
Belle: “My nan met him once but aside from that.” 2/10
Andy: “Stephen Fry likes him. That’s about all I know.” 5/10
Entertainment (2/10)
Andy: “He holds the Prince’s Trust each year.” 2/10
Rogue (5/10)
Belle: “Whacking your ex-wife who was pregnant is pretty rogue by most standards but maybe not by royal standards.” 5/10
TOTAL: 16.5 / 40
Prince Andrew, honoured veteran
Belle: The medical miracle himself. The nonce who could not sweat. The Queen’s favourite, albeit the bar is in hell. A man so inbred he sticks out from even this sorry lot.
Suitability (10/10)
Belle: “Straight back to the Dark Ages. I like it. Very medieval.” 10/10
Associations (9/10)
Belle: “The sex trafficking ring barely scratches the surface of his associations I’m sure.” 10/10
Andy: “Sketchy to say the least.” 10/10
Entertainment (10/10)
Belle: “That interview was ICONIC”. 10/10
Andy: “It took guts to tell so many strange lies. The royal family needs guts.” 10/10
Rogue (10/10)
Belle: “Prior to the minor indiscretion of being found to be associated with a sex-trafficking ring, Andrew was already well known for his eccentricities, including but not limited to a teddy bear collection of 70, mostly dressed in sailor suits, arranged in a very specific way by his maid or else he would throw a tantrum (bearing in mind he was an adult, this was after he came back from serving in the Falklands.) Anyways, imagine my shock when he turned out to actually be an (alleged) paedophile”. 10/10
Andy: “Rogue or just loyal to old friends? I think we all know the answer here. Rogue.” 10/10
TOTAL: 40/40
Prince William, Douche of Cambridge
Suitability (6/10)
Belle: “Oh, he is so dull. Pass. Despite being the heir to the throne, I keep forgetting he exists.” 6/10
Andy: “In the case of not rocking the boat, I suppose he is suited to the role.” 6/10
Associations (4/10)
Belle: “Not exciting. He should take a leaf out of his Uncle Andrew’s book. Haha just joking.” 4/10
Entertainment (2/10)
Andy: “I am not entertained.” 2/10
Rogue (0/10)
Belle: 0/10
Andy: Agreed.
TOTAL: 12/40
Prince Harry, great at costume parties
Suitability (2/10)
Belle: “Honestly neither weird or inbred enough. Glad he got out of there.” 2/10
Andy: “He’s gone too woke for me. I need my royals regressive.” 2/10
Associations (1/10)
Belle: “He seems to have fallen in with a rough crowd since his Nazi days. James Corden. Yikes.” 2/10
Andy: “He’s gone very Hollywood and the news that he arranges playdates with James Corden is very disturbing. Such associations make Prince Andrew look all that much better.” 0/10
Entertainment (8/10)
Belle: “Nazi garb” 10/10
Andy: “I miss the old Harry, partying in Vegas and just being the wild card in general. Alas, he’s become a total beta in recent years.” 6/10
Rogue (8/5/10)
Belle: “My personal favourite out of the Royals. Notorious for his transgressions even prior to marrying a divorced, annoying American D-list actress. But to be honest, if my Mum was whacked by my Dad’s family, I’d probably act out a bit as well. Besides, who among us hasn’t impersonated a Nazi in a fit of teenage angst.” 10/10
Andy: “Hmm an interesting one. Rogue in recent years, certainly- though one wonders if that’s just the work of Wicked Meghan pulling the strings? Rogue in his party days. But.. he was also in the army, which is not so rogue.” 7/10
TOTAL: 19.5/40
Kate Middleton, presumed neighbourhood watch founder
Suitability
Belle: “Good looking. Maybe she would install a soft dictatorship.” 5/10
Associations
Belle: “Her sister’s bum is famous.” 7/10
Entertainment
Belle: Perhaps the least entertaining of the lot”. 0/10
Rogue
Belle: “If beige wallpaper could smile and wave politely. Has anyone actually heard her speak before?” 0/10
TOTAL: 12/40
Meghan Markle, Margery Tyrell of the Royal Family
Suitability
Andy: “Well, she wasn’t exactly a star before but she’s certainly good at putting on a performance. And that’s a part of being a Royal. On the other hand, as Belle’s pointed out, the inbred factor is important and she’s simply not close enough to the… source, shall we call it?” 4/10
Associates
Andy: I know Harry’s close with James Corden. Not so sure about Meghan. I’ll give her a partial pass but again to be in that radius… Hmmm… Anyways, she’s thatched herself on to the Hollywood elite and keeps the family at far range (or some of them are toxic or something, I don’t know). 4/10
Entertainment
Andy: The only performance I’ve seen of hers was that tabloid interview with Oprah. Oh, and she has a brief role in Horrible Bosses. 5/10
Rogue
Andy: Well, she disturbed the order. So that’s something. On a socio-political level though, she plays by modern morals and standards. And I’m not having that. Not in this family. 5/10
TOTAL: 18/40
Prince George
Belle: “All hail George! Future overlord! May he have a long and tyrannical rule.”
No categories needed, TOTAL: 100/10
Honourable mention: the late Prince Philip, gone but never forgotten
And now the rankings…
Kate- 12
Will- 12
Charles- 16.5
Meghan- 18
Harry- 19.5
Queen- 24.5
Andrew- 40
George- 100
Well, that quickly went dodgy. Perhaps, these weren’t the proper categories for rating the Royal Family at all but there you have it, the young George has much to live up to but is already surpassing the powerhouse that is the Pizza Express enthusiast, Prince Andrew.
Happy Platinum Jubilee celebrations all!
The Washington Walrus 